You may have noticed that, in the latter half of the year, the whole country has gone absolutely fucking crazy for celebrity biographies. From Kerry Katona’s “story of love, survival and celebrity” (we can only assume she’s talking about Bryan McFadden with that last bit), to Pete Doherty’s mum blathering on about what a disappointment he’s become (as if anyone needed that pointing out), it seems like we just can’t get enough of this wonderful snuff.
But what about celebrity fragrance, last year’s mega trend, how’s that going? Well, the good news is that none of the celebrities lost any money! Hooray! In fact, the only bad news is that there are now so many scents to choose from it’s becoming rather difficult to guarantee that you get the right one for you. That’s where we come in. With the Hip Young Gunslinger Celebrity Fragrance Buying Guide to Christmas 2006, we’ll take you through six of the top smells so you can pick the one that‘s gonna suit you best. You won’t have to spend hours getting light-headed in Boots; we won’t have to research an article about celebrity biographies. Everyone’s a winner, so let’s get on with the show!
Beyonce - True Star
First up it’s Beyonce, with exactly the sort of zesty, feisty scent you’d expect from everyone’s (everyone’s) favourite R&B songstress. Full of passion and attitude, this fragrance says you’re one lady who’s not to be messed with, but be careful - slap too much on and it’ll only say to people that you’ve got a vastly-inflated sense of your own importance, that you treat your friends like strangers, and that you’re the kind of person who takes the brilliant new job in accounts while urging your colleagues to stick it out the best they can working on reception; so moderation is the key. Can also cause incessant shouting.
David Beckham - Instinct
Next up we’ve got one for the men, with a suitably spicy and sporty fragrance being offered up by the DB stable, perfect for a relaxed yet sensual evening spent wearing a black shirt. Be careful if you’re married or in a relationship though; this scent is actually so pleasing to the nose that literally every girl you meet will request your continued acquaintance. Unfortunately, this includes the ones who are willing to do things such as, say, wank a pig off to ‘further’ their career.
Sarah Jessica Parker - Lovely
This versatile fragrance smells just like it sounds and can be worn by either men, women, men who look like women or, indeed, women who look like they used to be men. It’s what we call “a solid all-rounder”; soft and light.
Paris Hilton - Just Me
A vague yet unsubtle scent. Recently discovered that over-application can push designated drivers well over the legal drink limit, even if they haven’t touched a drop of alcohol. Avoid.
Britney Spears - Fantasy
Britney’s fragrance is a delightfully bouncy, smooth and well-rounded one. A reminder of long summer days gone by, with a hint of lost innocence. However, as with new pal Paris Hilton’s scent, there is cause for concern - certain wearers have reported a loss of coordination and severe bouts of shockingly poor judgement.
Calum Best - Calum
FELLAS!!! Do you like going out? Are you “one for a right laugh”? Do you sleep with different women on a regular basis? If you think yourself a bit of a “swordsman” and would like to increase your “pulling power”, you might think about slapping a bit of this stuff on before you go out. Trust us when we say, a liberal dose of this and you’ll be knee-deep in slut before midnight! As an added bonus, the fragrance actually masks the smell of souls being destroyed! Yours and hers! Truly exceptional.
So there you have it, a random snapshot of some of the celebrity fragrances currently on the market, and no time for a mention of J-Lo’s range (stinks like a fat arse with an attitude problem). Use this guide wisely and you’ll be an olfactory hero this Christmas, don’t and you… won’t. It really is that simple.
PS. Sorry about the lack of special guest as had been promised - we spent the fee on old copies of Smash Hits and a load of Gin.
HYG x
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