Now don’t get us wrong; we think Pete Doherty is as in need of a good soak and some elocution lessons just as much as any sane person over the age of 17 does, but for once we’re actually going to stand up for the poor, flee-bitten soul. Y’see, we’ve been “moved to write” by a recent, and frankly ridiculous, development in the saga of ol’ Pipey’s life.
A development whereby - and this is genius - the papers and the television have started having a go at Doherty for… being in the papers and on the television too much!!
Now, last time we checked, the guy was many things, but editor-in-chief of every media outlet in the country was not one of them, making this latest twist akin to a random stranger asking (or not) if he can write a short story about you, only to then get really pissed off when it transpires that he's made you the lead character. That’s right - these people, who have consciously and willingly hounded Doherty for the last two years of his life, have now turned on him - presumably because of all the gossiping and shit-stirring he’s PHYSICALLY FORCED them into.
The Sun - The Sun! - had the nerve to run a phone poll last week, based on the question, “Are you sick of seeing Pete Doherty stories in the newspaper?”. Fair enough, maybe some people are (us for a start), good on the paper for giving those people the chance to speak up and maybe change something. But where did the paper choose to position its question? Bingo! Right after a story about Pete Doherty! A story that, it later turned out, had been entirely fabricated by The Sun anyway. Bloody Albion!
Worse still was BBC Three’s assassination attempt, as part of ‘The Most Annoying People of 2006’, which - paradoxically - had people far more annoying than anyone on the actual list (see: Robert “fucking” Elms) babbling masses of shit towards the camera in a vain attempt to look “studied” and “aloof”. Worst offender? Dave Berry, of no fixed abode, who sat there leaking what we can only assume were words out of that shit-eating “has anyone realised yet?” grin of his, and who opined:
“Awight, oi oi, are mean fairrrw enaff [think we’ll stop that] … it’s alright for a bloke to be in the papers, but it’s not as if he’s actually done anything that deserves him being in there! I mean, his tunes are rubbish and he can’t even sing! Come back when you’ve done something worth all the attention, mate!”
(DEEP BREATH). Now Berry, who is clearly more familiar with Pete’s recent intake than he is with his early output, has made a couple of “gaffes” here. Firstly, as discussed above, it isn’t as if Pete actually goes up to newspapers begging for inclusion in them (apart from that one time with the Evening Standard and we won’t be talking about that thankyouverymuch). Despite what they might think, he doesn’t actually spend his life “in reception” at Heat magazine. Secondly, while Pete’s recent work might be - who are we kidding - bloody awful, that isn’t what got him noticed. He got to be a popstar the good old fashioned way, by being ABSOLUTELY BLOODY AMAZING, with the Legs 11 demo and the first Libertines album; with bright, witty interviews that didn’t all revolve around drugs and whether he was going to steal the interviewer's bag/assault the photographer. He was a star to many long before the likes of Berry had even heard of him, and for all the right reasons.
Finally, Dave Berry (if that’s your real name), why don’t you “come back” when your collected achievements equal more than just keeping your semi-on tucked down your trouser leg long enough to interview one of your celebrity “mates”, and being replaced on a programme by someone called Johnny Pitts? What was that? You’re back as the host of CD:UK when it relaunches on Channel Five this Spring? :(((((((
So, the moral of this story. We’re not sure there is one really, but if there was, it would probably be along the lines of, “don’t ask someone to live with you if all you’re going to do is have a strop every time they turn up at your house”. A modern-day proverb that might just help us all to be better people.
Right, that’s it, we’ve had enough of this now - we’re going out on the town with the express intention of making the first edition of EVERY SINGLE TABLOID IN THE WORLD! See what Berry thinks of that! hyg x
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