02 January 2007

Further Meaningless Accolades!!!

Hey, look at us, we're just like the Brits committee, or - if you're feeling high-brow - the Mercury panel!
We like to hand out awards for things that happened ages ago.

Recording Producer Of The Year
Mark Ronson

Man Of The Year
Robbie Williams; just for releasing Rudebox, a mind-bendingly brilliant album that was sadly ignored by all but four of the “record-buying public”, and for appearing to go quite, quite mad as a result. And by the way, you IDIOTS, do you not realise that all his albums are going to be as shit as the one before Rudebox now? There probably won’t even be a Your Gay Friend on there :-(

Woman Of The Year
Winners: Nelly Furtado, Lily Allen and Amy Winehouse. This shouldn’t really need explaining but just in case you’re unaware, THESE THREE ARE THE FUCKING NUTS. Three great proper popstars and three colossal albums made 2006 a cracking year for “the fairer sex”!!!

(Ps. Why are there no men popstars as good as Amy, Lily and Nelly? Answers, including evidence to the contrary, on an internet postcard to: hipyounggunslinger@hotmail.co.uk).

Film Of The Year
Winner: Borat
Runner Up: A Scanner Darkly

Television Programme Of The Year
Winner: Star Stories
Runner Up: An Audience With Take That Live (just for the bit where the “boys” reassured Sporty Spice that she’s “still really big in Europe”).

Book Of The Year
Winner: The Best Of Smash Hits 80s
Runner Up: Those little Popjustice books.

(FYI: A book is a large thing made of stone that used to exist in the brief time prior to the Internets).

Podcast Of The Year
The Best Of Adam & Joe on Xfm

(Xfm is a large thing made of stone that plays only real music created by real artists using real instruments. It’s really alternative and is IN NO WAY COMMERCIAL WHATSOEVER).

Website Of The Year
Winner: Hip Young Gunslinger
Runner Up: Mediawatch on Football365

Writer Of The Year
Victoria Newton, for making people like us seem prolific, insightful and sober by comparison. We love you Victoria!

Sadly Deceased 2006
Smash Hits and Top Of The Pops

Massive Loser (in terms of the greatness they once possessed) of 2006
Gwen Stefani. Oh, do fuck off now.

Good or Bad 2006. Good? Or BAD?
Lil’ Chris - started off very badly in our eyes. Despite the fact it’s wrong to want to hit children, Chris Hardman evoked just that desire in us during his time on that Rock School programme. He had that stinky 15 year old “OMG Girls ALOUD have not even ever seen a proper guitar or looked at one ‘cos they r shit lol!! Listen to proper real music with drumming and EMOTION!!!!!!ONE1” vibe to him, and y’know, the face. But then - bang - ch-ch-checkin’ it out! He brings out two absolutely amazing singles and ends the year being officially good. Sadly, though, young Master Hardman’s sales appear to be as Lil’ as he is :-(

“Hot Tip” for 2007
Jamie T - this guy’s probably going to pretty amazing in 2007, but if he isn’t, we never said he would be ok. And Mark Ronson will double the number of people who have actually heard of him (taking the total to an impressive 58) when he releases his album, but will sail dangerously close to being accused of “ripping off Jo Whiley” by the sort of people who refuse to buy interesting Robbie Williams albums.
This is all absolutely true.

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