A Mammoth Feat.

Have you heard the one about the new Timbaland album? Apparently, it’s 70 minutes long! Haha! That’s ONE HOUR AND TEN MINUTES! Ah, what a wheeze. Who in their right mind would… What? It’s what? It actually is that long? It wasn’t just on repeat and sounded the same? No?

OH.
MY.
GOD.

Take a look at those three words very carefully. By the time you‘ve listened to most of this album, you’ll know them off by heart. They’ll form your favourite phrase, used when the silence after what must SURELY be the last song is replaced by YET ANOTHER INTRO.

About seven times.

Which is a shame, because most of the tracks on offer here are very good indeed. There’s just too many of them. The point’s been made that Timbaland could have flogged a good third of these to other artists, pocketed a billion squillion dollars in the process and still have more than enough goodies left for his album, but the decision’s been made - 19 tracks it is.

NINETEEN! This calls for a Victoria Newton-style EXCLUSIVE track-by-track!

1) We start with ‘Oh Timbaland’, which you won’t be able to listen to without having a silent argument with yourself in two different accents (you‘ll see why). It’s essentially just an extended intro, and as such doesn’t do much.
Skip or Rip? Skip.

2) Things get going properly on track two, ‘Give It To Me’, which sounds pretty good on account of the masses of goodwill inspired by Tim/Nelly/Justin’s exploits together during the last twelve months. It is obviously not as good as ‘SexyBack’ or ‘Maneater’, though.
Skip or Rip? Rip.

3) This is one of those big party songs that people who bounce their heads when they walk are fond of. You could probably “get crunk” to this, or something.
Skip or Rip? Rip.

4) Those acid rave noises from el Timberlake’s My Love make a cameo on this track, which is quite good but seems to go on longer than its three minutes.
Skip or Rip? Rip.

5) This one has a very menacing, brooding way about it. At times it sounds like Justin Timberlake is trying to threaten the listener into having a threesome. Despite that it’s very good and Missy Elliot (she’s not dead!!!) turns up to do a rap, which helps.
Skip or Rip? Rip.

6) The album’s first terrible song. It’s got 50 Cent on it. Oh dear.
Skip or Rip? Leave it playing while you go and get a brew, but don’t listen to it.

7) Features dialogue from the first Resident Evil film. They should have used a clip from the first computer game; the acting in that was AMAZING: “Blood… hope this isn’t… Chris’… blood.“ At least that would have livened things up.
Skip or Rip? Skip.

8) PCD-ish groove featuring Magoo. Short and sweet.
Skip or Rip? Rip.

9) Sugary R&B which could be a good minute shorter without losing anything. Sounds like it might become amazing at any point, but sadly it never does. Very good though.
Skip or Rip? Rip.

10) Too long and too pointless, ‘Scream’ will nevertheless gain masses of exposure because it’s got Nicole Sherwingzingeringer out of the Pussycat Dolls on it.
Skip or Rip? Skip.

11) More aimless pointlessness. This is EXACTLY the sort of song that should have been left on the cutting room floor (i.e. sold to a useless pop star). Clearly we are experiencing the album’s “saggy middle”.
Skip or Rip? Skip.

12) As you can no doubt tell from the title, ‘Bombay’ features music inspired by the sounds of America’s deep south. Woolworths are selling cut-price Vintage Bollywood CDs that sound fresher than this. Three pointless songs in a row, things better pick up soon…
Skip or Rip? Skip.

13) Hooray! A Tune! Things happening! The Hives bring the party back with a nagging guitar riff as we enter the album’s rocky phase.
Skip or Rip? Rip.

14) This is basically your typical Timbaland epic, with added guitar elements and singing in the chorus by She Wants Revenge. Actually it’s a bit too urgent to be a true Timbo epic, but it does sound very big. Comes with bonus “Guess The Rocker’s Accent” game.
Skip or Rip? Rip.

15) Here we go. Newly-good Emo band Fall Out Boy wade in with the best of the rockier tracks. Loud, stupid and packed full of handclaps, ‘One And Only’ also features a weird sound effect running through the chorus that is more addictive than Coco Pops.
Skip or Rip? Rip.

16) Hilariously, this one starts off sounding like Embrace’s cover of D12’s ‘How Come’, but it doesn’t carry on like that. A big, heartfelt slowie that Omarion would be proud of. Nice.
Skip or Rip? Rip.

17) Elton John is on this one, tinkling on Joanna. He doesn’t sing though, which is disappointing and relieving at the same time. The beats are in check and the piano line is very nice. Some strings pop in too, although it kind of loses its way a bit near the end.
Skip or Rip? Rip.

18) Hello! It’s a “bonus” track (what, 17 wasn’t enough for you?) featuring the same woman who sings on half the album and a rapper who sounds like a member of Outkast, but a fairly rubbish member of Outkast. It’s not a member of Outkast. There is basically no need to listen to this one.
Skip or Rip? Skip.

19) Finally, FINALLY, we’re at the end of the album. Another bonus track, featuring M.I.A. of being brilliant fame. We’re excited by her return, and this does nothing to quell that. Really, this song should have been pushed right up into the album proper, in favour of all that mystifying bollocks in the middle.
Skip or Rip? Rip.


Listening to an album this long can be quite difficult, but with a skip button and a knowledge of your favourite tracks you should be okay. Don’t even try to absorb it in one sitting, unless you’re a sadist/Timbaland obsessive. Alternatively, if you stick it on while you’re doing the housework, you can hoover over the boring bits. Hooray!

‘Shock Value’ by Timbaland is out now.