Leohno Lewis

Get ready for the most implausible news story of the weekend. Rav Singh, the one who is always banging on about “my good mates Westlife” and who makes Victoria Newton look like a shining beacon of journalistic rigour and integrity, reports that Amy Winehouse has been ditched by James Bond producers in favour of Leona Lewis.

“They reckon the X Factor winner… is the girl with the golden voice [BINGO!] and want her to perform the signature tune for the film”

Wow. So where did Rav get this burning hot piece of goss? Presumably Barbara Broccoli “phoned him up” to tell him the good news. No? Well, it must have been someone pretty high up at [Bond producers] EON, surely.

“A pal said…”

*sound of needle being taken off a record a la X Factor*

A pal? A PAL?! Despite the fact the word ‘pal’ is probably one of the worst in the world, there is a big problem with its use - these ‘pals’ usually never exist. Still, let’s have a look at what Leona’s good ‘pal’ (ie. Singh’s imagination) said:

“Leona’s beaming from ear to ear at being asked to be part of such a huge movie”.

We bet she is.

“She thinks it’s a real honour to follow in the footsteps of BLAH BLAH BLAH”

Of course she does.

This ‘news’ comes just days after it was sensationally revealed elsewhere that everyone’s favourite user of Class A drugs has been carted from her job by everyone’s favourite androgynous whinger Ville Valo of Finnish ‘metallers’ HIM. So what’s going on? Maybe someone at Leona’s record company knows. Says BMG:

“Leona’s management are in talks with various movie producers at the moment for a number of projects”

Well that clears that up then.