A little BRIT psychic...

It is the BRITs tonight. You remember, it’s that awards show that not one person on planet Earth gives a fuck about. Where the prizes are always given out to completely undeserving and amazingly shit recipients. Where Mika is a good thing.

Because we could sit here all week speculating at who could/should win tonight’s awards, we decided to have a look at some of the other things that might happen instead. So finish your lines and sit up straight, it’s time for our BRITs Predictions 2008.

Prediction: Sharon Osbourne makes ‘controversial’ joke to literally no audience reaction.
Will it happen? Repeatedly.

Prediction: Ozzy Osbourne fails to make sense of an autocue.
Will it happen? Yes.

Prediction: Gordon Smart is seen leering at Rihanna’s breasts.
Will it happen? Almost certainly yes. And Kylie’s. But not ‘weird birds’ Feist or Bjork.

Prediction: Editors are treated with the disdain they deserve and announced as “that miserable bunch of cunts with the shit singer” during the Best Group award.
Will it happen? No :(

Prediction: Klaxons turn up absolutely wankered and give a terrible performance.
Will it happen? About as likely as the next prediction.

Prediction: Klaxons turn up absolutely wankered and give an amazing performance.
Will it happen? See above.

Prediction: Winner of Best Group award makes snide and embarrassingly out-of-touch reference to Girls Aloud being nominated.
Will it happen? Guaranteed.

Prediction: Cutaways reveal Mika is enjoying his performance more than audience is.
Will it happen? Not straight away, but certainly by the bitter, shrieking end.

Prediction: Shots of Ricky Wilson reveal him to be bored/annoyed/angry/drunk.
Will it happen? Frequently, and in that order.

Prediction: Rufus Wainwright’s Best International Male nomination met with indignant, anger-filled “who is he?” looks by front row screamers and industry diners alike.
Will it happen? It’s a safe bet.

Prediction: Richard Hawley, Bat For Lashes, Feist, PJ Harvey and Arcade Fire are cheered moronically by the very people who just seconds earlier were vociferously pledging allegiance to their chart-based rivals.
Will it happen? Probably.

Prediction: Heather Mills turns up to play bass for Paul McCartney.
Will it happen? Depends how many drugs you’ve taken by 9.30pm.

Prediction: Something of genuine interest happens during the entire show.
Will it happen? Of course not you fucking idiot.

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