Some Things For The Weekend - A Mother's Day Special

If you think Mother’s Day is a chore, think of Jesus. Think of the resentment Mary feels towards him, the illegitimate offspring of a non-consensual congress with God; think of the shame and inadequacy etched on Joseph’s face as his step-son arrives for tea. “Oh, you brought flowers again… Jesus Christ”

Think about the forced pleasantries over the dinner table, which culminate an hour later in Mary drunkenly snapping and being restrained by Joseph as she rants at Jesus about ‘bastard’ this and ‘duty’ that and how she never wanted him in the first place.

It’s rubbish being Jesus.

These are some of the songs we’ll be playing to our mum on Sunday in the hope of avoiding being branded a colossal fucking accident.

ABBA - Waterloo
This is not exactly ABBA’s best song but it does reference Napoleon and have a short man in a hat urinating in the background of the single sleeve. Which is not the sort of thing you get with the average ‘Pigeon Detectives’ release.

Cockney Rebel - Come Up And See Me
Did you know? The title of this song by bendy-voiced Steve Harley and co. also doubles as the most commonly-received text message by students from mothers nationwide.

Roxy Music - Love Is The Drug
Our mum loves this one. She better not start about Bryan Ferry though or else it’s getting skipped straight off.

Carl Douglas - Kung Fu Fighting
This violence-based classic tells the story of a brutal street brawl against a backing of tight disco bass and eastern strings. If Quentin Tarantino had any bollocks he’d have used this for the Crazy 88 scene in Kill Bill Volume I.

Bachman Turner Overdrive - You Ain’t Seen Nothing Yet
Here’s something that you’re never gonna forget - your mum and dad HAD SEX to make you.

Anita Ward - Ring My Bell
This Lameé-drenched disco monster sounds like a roller disco inside a massive helium balloon, which, if you think about it, would probably be the best thing that ever happened anywhere. Wonder what our mum would make of current glitterball flarepushers Hercules and Love Affair?

U2 - I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For
Nobody’s perfect.

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