Some Things For The Weekend

Stick this lot on your ‘boombox’.

Foals - Hollaback Girl
This is just weird.

Modernaire - Velvet Never Dries (EP)
This is just brilliant.

Hercules & Love Affair - Hercules Theme
H&LA have got the best new band name of the last 24 hours and make noodly-but-listenable rackets like this, their eponymous theme tune, which sounds like Dangermouse producing Stevie Wonder’s ‘Superstition’ at the end of the world.

Operator Please - Just A Song About Ping Pong
Fiddle 'n' axe madness courtesy of the Antipodean indie quintet, with lashings of ADHD drums and breakneck shouting from lead singer Amandah (that ‘h‘ is hers, FYI). Sounds like going to a barn dance with a crazy girl who's forgotten to take her Kalms. Noisy.

Girls Aloud - Black Jacks
Entirely amazing. See here.

T2 - Heartbroken
In the past month, we have heard this song in the following places:

:: at the end of that ‘1Extra’ advert.
:: on someone’s phone in a bus station.
:: on someone’s phone outside an off license.
:: at a party

It sounded very good in all of those places, except outside the shop because we had our hood up to keep the cold out and also to avoid being asked to buy alcohol for the people who were listening to the song.

Kylie Minogue - Wow
Most of Dannii’s sister’s new album is quite shrugworthy, but this, a song that sounds a bit like ‘Holiday’, but with a Daft Punk bassline and Kylie singing instead of Madonna, is more fun than telling little children Father Christmas doesn’t exist.

YouTube Gold #377786

Time now for a slice of YouTubular Gold, for which we must travel all the way back to the ‘heady’ days of two thousand and two.

To make up for the fact that on her next single, Kylie would liberally, and without their involvement, ‘borrow’ the Fischerspooner sound, she let the NY artsters twiddle about with ‘Come Into My World’, the final single from her ‘Fever’ album.

She also let Casey Spooner go on Top Of The Pops with her and stand there like the sparest of spare parts while she mimed along to the song and did some weird dancing.



It was a cracking remix though, was it not?

Competition Time

It’s Friday, which means it must be time for another of our truly shit picture competitions.

All you have to do is look at the picture below and tell us what on earth is going on. The best answer received will earn its entrant a really, really, really, really, really good prize.

What’s happening?

Answers to the usual address.

Listen Up

Calling Jo Whiley!

(And for once it’s not rude names).

No.

CALLING JO WHILEY!!!

If you don’t get Coldplay into your so called ‘Live’ ‘Lounge’ to do a cover of ‘Black Jacks’ by Girls Aloud AS SOON AS POSSIBLE we are going to send you an invoice for our license fee.

It really is that simple. Sort it out JW, it will be amazing.

Who's the Mummy?

The good news is that Timbaland is going to have a baby.

The bad news is that no one knows when or who with.

Reports one ‘red top’ yesterday:

“Music producer Timbaland is going to be a dad. Timba, 36, who's worked with Justin Timberlake and Madonna, has got an employee pregnant. He's promised to be “involved in the child's upbringing” but isn't with the mum-to-be now.”

Aww, sweet. But wait! Counterclaims another tabloid:

“ Producer Timbaland is now a proud father. His fiancée, publicist Monique Idlett, recently gave birth to a baby girl.”

HANG ON A MINUTE.

So either he’s already got a child with someone he quite likes or he’s going to have a child with someone he once said ‘you know what, you could make it really big’ to. But we don’t know which. Maybe there are two Timbaland’s and two separate babies. Maybe that is what it is. Yes.

Wanna Show You How I Wheel

REJOICE! Sexy and brilliant vocal duo Booty Luv are having a new single out, namely the call-to-amyl banger, ‘Some Kinda Rush’. Here is the video:

Oh bollocks to it.

In time-honoured tradition we will now post a picture of something the video reminds us of, even if the connection is a bit tenuous (which is to say, complete and utter bollocks).



There you go.

x

STOP PRESS! (Or the Internet, or whatever it is that needs to be stopped in order to quickly insert a news story)

Noire-pop vampires Modernaire have just this minute sent us their new EP, ‘Velvet Never Dries’. As well as offering slightly-iffy fabric-drying advice, the EP also manages to be very good indeed.

To be honest we meant to say a little bit more about this around the time it came out but we forgot, mainly due to a succession of thoroughly-depressing hangovers. We are not entirely sure if the EP is still available to buy but here would probably be a good place to find out.

We will be saying more about the actual songs on the EP, and explaining to younger viewers what an ’EP’ actually is, very soon.

Hurrah!

All Day I Dream About 'X'

The Artist Formerly Known As Kylie Minogue But Now Pretty Much Just Known As Kylie is ‘gearing up’ (they are adding the chains and cogs as we type this) to release her new album ‘X’. It is not as good as Girls Aloud’s new one but it is still pretty good. It features:

> ‘2 Hearts’, ‘sounding better on the album’.
> Calvin Harris sort of making up for all that Mitchell Brothers ‘business’.
> Plenty of ‘balls out disco’.
> An amazing song that sounds a bit like Kylie covering Madonna’s ‘Holiday’, but adding a Daft Punk-style bassline and a shitload of Minogueness, whose hook is basically Kylie going “WOWOWOWOWOW” like a wobble board flying through Space. Or something.

Results Day

Time now for the results of our recent photographic competition, which asked you to tell us what on earth was going on in this picture:


It was a tough one this time, so much so that we only got one entry (down from the usual 4million+), and they were banned because they practically took the picture.

Anyway.

The correct answer is that the picture above clearly shows glowstick wearers, having it ‘large’ at Hadouken!’s recent Manchester show.

Would you like to see a picture of the band? Yes you would.


Well-taken, as ever.

Our review of the gig is that it was loud and we were drunk.

In other news, Hadouken! have recently brought out a mixtape, on a USB stick (which makes it more of a long mp3 on a piece of plastic than a mixtape really) which collects together all the demos and remixes we’ve been dancing to for eight months and makes them all shiny and well-produced and stuff. A more thorough review may follow.

Let the funky music do the talking

Girls Aloud have released a new album, which everyone should buy. If this is not an option, because you are poor or lazy or ashamed to admit that you like the world‘s greatest-ever girl group or whatever, why not (legally, obv.) download some mp3s? We suggest:

> ‘Girl Overboard’
> ‘Can’t Speak French’
> ‘Black Jacks’
> etc.

Of these, the entirely-amazing ‘Black Jacks’ should be made a priority, but, in fairness, at least 90% of the album is worth selling off a few organs for (and there are no ballads).

FYI, if you are strapped for download cash you should probably give ‘Control Of The Knife’ a miss and just listen to ‘Hole In The Head’ by Sugababes instead.

Like a Nintendo DS but without a screen or decent sound or Mario

We acquired one of these the other week:


If - and we are aware that this is a huge ‘if’ - you were not actually a child during the 1970s, you may not be aware that the clumsy-looking block of metal and plastic pictured above is in fact a Stylophone.

A Stylophone is a very basic musical instrument that can be used to make rudimentary tunes (roughly on a par with Razorlight) and also to destroy the minds of cats.

HOWEVER!

If you happen to be bonkers, torch-wearing 90s ‘rave heads’ Orbital, a Stylophone can also be used to make this ungodly racket:

Orbital - Style (EMPEETHREE)

That reminds us, we really should dust off Orbital’s ’Middle Of Nowhere’ album and give it another listen, it was fucking mental.

Sublimely Rhydiculous

VIDEO OF THE WEEKEND
Here is Liberace’s grandson doing ‘Go West’ on Saturday’s X Factor.

Highlights:
:: Amazing Stars In Their Eyes-style entrance culminating in military salute.
:: Marching on the spot while singing.
:: WALKING BACKWARDS while singing.
:: Simon Cowell’s general bewilderment.
:: The dancers tossing off* at the end.


Aside from giving just about the only decent vocal performance of the evening (the lad can’t half sing, etc.), Rhydian also impressed with his hair, which, as it grows in height, is starting to remind us of something…

AMAZING.

*their hats, obviously.

Smoke and Mirrors and Cardboard Spaceships

What is The Whip’s obsession with pretending to operate machinery in their videos?

First they were Borrower-sized drones inside a tape deck (or something) in the rather amazing promo for previous release ’Divebomb’. Now, as the footage below denotes, they’re flying a cardboard spaceship in their also-amazing new video, ‘Sister Siam’.



Baffling.

Drumroll please...

This is a new series in which various animals, vegetables and minerals will be inducted into our Corridor Of Amazingness for services to music and its various ‘facets‘.

An entry here is worth seven of those Hollywood star things, FYI.

Without further ado, let’s introduce inductee number one.

#1 McSleazy

McSleazy is a Scottish remixer/producer/superhero responsible for some of the most original and thrustworthy work of the 21st Century.

Rising, along with artists such as Josh Console and Fake ID, like a particularly fizzy bubble from the barrel of bootleg beer that was GYBO, McSleazy went on to mash up, reswizzle and generally improve tunes by everyone from Britney to Interpol.

He was even chosen to mix the indispensable Popjustice compilation album, which should speak for itself.

He continues to produce (we mentioned his remix of Foals’ ‘Hummer’ not long ago) and can be heard regularly on Xfm Scotland, which is bit like Xfm Manchester except it is in Scotland so they speak a bit differently.

Here are some of McSleazy’s greatest hits.

Live Stand Up (Interpol vs. Dizzee Rascal)
In which McSleazy single-handedly invented goth grime by pairing Dizzee’s second best tune with one of NYC miserablists Interpol’s most heart-rending riffs.

Mania - Looking For A Place (McSleazy remix)
Mania were what happened when two members of Xenomania thought, ‘actually, fuck this, we’re going for the charts ourselves‘. Unfortunately, they found that not being Girls Aloud was a major stumbling block in this plan, and the whole thing bombed. Sleazy’s remix is a bleepy sexfest, but nowhere near on a par with…

Britney Spears - Outrageous (McSleazy remix)
Dark, sinister, brooding - Britney’s hangovers are legendary, but this raunchy re-rub of her 2004 single more than matches them in the sex ‘n’ regret stakes. Remarkably, the label didn’t want to use this mix. Idiots.

Kelis - Milkshake (McSleazy Flavour)
Crazy jug-wobbler Kelis gets her megasmash remixed in an amyl-friendly electro stylee, which sounds like drinking a lime-flavoured version of the titular beverage at a speed no slower than one hundred miles per hour.

The Diressage (Death In Vegas vs. Grandmaster Flash)
Ingenious pairing of DIV’s storm-inducing ‘Dirge’ and the Grandmaster’s socially-aware hit ‘The Message’, in a reading so definitive it will actually make you want to go out and start cleaning up tower blocks.

These, and literally millions more, are available at McSleazy’s website.

Congratulations, etc.

.

Bored Bored Bored

As hard as it is to believe, there are only so many times you can listen to the High School Musical soundtrack in one day (ie. about 1500).

Having nearly reached this limit, we feel it is time that you sent us some mp3s.

Send us your favourite tune of the moment and the most amazing ones will get a mention.

Usual address please.

THANKS.

x

Ps. This offer is also open to bands who wish to ‘peddle’ their ‘wares’.

Pps. Anyone sending in Editors mp3s will be BANNED FROM THE INTERNET.

It's the Weekend!!!!11!1 etc.

What are the three most important things on any night out (after vodka, lime and lemonade)?

That’s right - keys, money, lipstick (and perhaps, as the government and various do-gooders will tell you, some taxi numbers and ‘the right protection’).

Given the importance of these things (and also of Friday nights spent huddled on darkened dancefloors with hundreds of incredibly-sexy, clued-up clubkids literally climbing the walls in order to hear the latest indiedance madness) isn’t it fortunate that the good people at - wait for it - Keys Money Lipstick have got a night consisting of nothing else?

Yes it is.

Here’s the score: TONIGHT, at Manchester’s glamorous Star & Garter, Keys Money Lipstick takes over, dropping laser-guided indielectro bombs on the heads of dance-hungry dress-up merchants. That’s about it; doesn’t it sound amazing?

Yes it does.

And it is, here’s what else to expect:

:: The World’s Greatest Pinball Table. In the bar downstairs. If you want to say hello we will probably be there at some point, looking to exact revenge on ‘The Spaniard’ and THAT FUCKING SKIPPING ROPE (long story).
:: Quiet bit with chairs and tables for when it all gets a bit much. Also downstairs.
:: The occasional haircut.
:: Tasty drinks served at reasonable prices by friendly bar staff.
:: A dancefloor so rammed you will scarcely be able to believe that everyone on it, even the pissheads, is actually quite friendly.
:: You don’t get that in the Print-so-called-works, do you?
:: Martin out of The Tigerpicks sometimes pops in too, which is nice.

All in all it’s a great night out and highly recommended.

It certainly beats sitting in a bus shelter drinking cider and pissing yourself.

More about Keys Money Lipstick
Keys Money Lipstick on MySpace

A Cautionary Tale

Picture the scene.

Tony is in his sister’s room, looking for her straighteners so that he can perfect his emotional fringe. Suddenly, he stumbles on a caseless and seemingly-unloved Cdr on the bedroom floor, onto which is scribbled ‘RACHEL’S PARTY TUNES LOL’.

Filled with the sort of baseless incandescent rage that can only be fuelled by a lifetime of having Steve Lamacq tell you that ‘real music is better’, Tony picks up the CD and scoffs loudly (mainly stuff like ‘fake’, ‘instruments’ and ‘MADE BY MACHINES’).

However, Tony was feeling something that day which he had never felt before. During all his time under the oppression of the Whiley-Bowman-Lowe regime, our hero had never once felt intrigued. By anything. Never once had he felt compelled to investigate something for himself, always happier to live by the maxim, ‘If Edith says it’s amazing, it’s amazing.’

Entering unfamiliar territory, he placed the CD in his stereo and pressed play, at which point he was amazed to discover that 99% of the music on the disc was not complete shit (the other 1% was a 50 Cent song). Feeling cheated by a lifetime of Indie rule, Tony ripped down his Radiohead posters and raced to the shops to get a litre of budget vodka, shouting as he went, “Everyone! There’s a party at my house! But this time we‘re smiling!”

These are some of the songs he had heard.

Nelly Furtado - Maneater
This track spoke to Tony on many levels, mainly because it featured Nelly making a musical transition similar to his own (ie. STOP STARING AT THE FLOOR AND START MAKING USE OF IT). For eighteen months, the sound of Nelly ditching the sandals in favour of high heels has been a glitterball staple, inspiring dancefloor riots and, in some smaller countries, actual ones.

Booty Luv - Some Kinda Rush
Found four tracks in to the ex-Big Brovaz duo’s amyltastic debut album, this punchy little bugger uses a taut guitar line and lashings of distorted bass to accurately recreate the sensation of blood rushing through your inner ear at entirely the wrong speed.

Beyoncé - Crazy In Love
One of the best songs ever written.

Girls Aloud - Biology
Three of the best songs ever written.

Sophie Ellis Bextor - Only One
Quite clearly uses guitar, drums and rampant sax (aka Real Instruments) to form an entirely barmy up-tempo shakeathon about all the usual love issues (ie. You don’t really like me very much but - let’s face it - I’m the only person who actually understands what you’re banging on about half the time and, because of that, you need me.)

Sharam - PATT
YES.

The 411 - Dumb
This lot were a girl group who failed for two reasons:

:: Completely ungooglable name.
:: There were four of them. (Three is great, five is better, but four? Madness).

Anyway, this, their sort-of-breakthrough sort-of-hit (which was used on that trippy perfume advert featuring the most manly one out of ‘Sex and the City’), is brilliant. The perfect LBD track, it’s a tale of illicit slinkiness set to vaguely-Gallic plinkiness, with a chorus catchier than the common cold.

There were thousands more songs on the CD that Tony found, including several by the Sugababes. We might tell you about them one day. In the meantime, let this be a call to arms: stop trying to be cool and do some fucking dancing.

Stuff We're Dancing To

Soulwax - Most of the remixes… (LP)
This week we have been mostly shaking our arses to the new Soulwax remix compilation doing the rounds, and feeling a bit superior over the fact that we’ve been ’champions’ of the Muse remix that everyone is now banging on about for SEVEN YEARS. Which, of course, makes us twats.

Leohno Lewis - Bleeding Love
There is something about that organ first thing in the morning. See here.

Freemasons - Uninvited
Like anyone would be, we are compelled to dance by this beats ‘n’ bells banger, which fuses ascending strings and chimes in a way sounding almost like ABBA, but ABBA if they had the confidence that remixing Beyoncé into listenableness on several occasions brings you.

Ida Corr vs. Fedde Le Grand
More arms-aloft am-dram from FLG, who pairs a deadly stop-start bassline with melodious house vocals and frankly-preposterous snyth-sax to create a fairly-pleasing racket.

Foals - Hummer (McSleazy Mix)
Or, what one of our favourite ever producers did to one of our favourite current bands (ie. took away a box full of ‘separates’ and came back with a confused-but-glorious whole).

Britney Spears - Blackout (LP)
Brit’s phoenix-from-the-flames type effort continues to soar high above, doing great big disco shits all over the competition. Christina Aguilera had better stop pissing about in the 1930s and build a time machine pretty fucking sharpish if she’s to dodge this drubbing.

Competition Time

Once again, it's Friday, which means that, once again, it must be time to win some shit.

It’s another guess-what-is-happening-in-the-picture competition, relating to the one below that we took last weekend.

What is happening in the picture?

Email your answers to the usual address.

A random winner will be blah blah etc.

x

Question Of The Day 1

What are The Backstreet 'We Were Never A Boyband' Boys doing presenting The Top 50 Boyband Classics, on The Hits this Friday?

Hmm?

Question Of The Day 2 & 3

Elliot Minor.

Why?

How?

Very Slight Return

Not wanting to neglect the musical aspect of their comeback, The Spice Girls (historical note for younger viewers: The Spice Girls were an Emmeline Pankhurst-inspired pop group who invented the United Nations and famously wanked Prince Charles off in a lift, or something) are currently popping the cod liver oil in anticipation of their new single, ‘Headlines’.

Given that the entire GDP of Sweden, not to mention the remaining shreds of Geri Halliwell’s sanity, rest on the girls’ return ‘working’, you’d think they would have pulled out all the stops in order to ensure themselves a genre-smashing, technicolor assault on the nation’s ears.

Unfortunately, the combined writing talents of Halliwell & Bunton have mustered a distinctly damp squib, or the sound of previous hit ’Goodbye’ being covered in thick beige paint. Clearly an attempt to ape the success of Take That’s ‘we used to run around throwing doughnuts and baby oil at each other but now we are grown up’ smash hit ‘Patience’, ‘Headlines’ is more pointless than a spherical lance.

The flesh-happy video is available to watch in the usual place, should you wish to inflict not only several shades of audio boredom, but also the sight of Geri H and Vicki B desperately trying to make people like them by not very wearing much, on yourself.

Emotional Haemophilia

Some people wait a lifetime for a decent single, but not Leona Lewis - she only had to wait twelve months. ’Bleeding Love’ - and we’re a bit late in saying this - is brilliant.

Maybe it’s the ‘heavy’ weekend we’ve just had (the sort that enables you to cry at the end of ‘James and the Giant Peach‘), maybe it’s the fact that next to this year’s X Factor ‘hopefuls’, Leona comes across like Kylie, Beyoncé and Madonna rolled into one. Whatever it is, the track is currently on unfeasibly heavy rotation on our Walkman phone, and shows no sign whatsoever of budging.

Have a look at the video.



Leona likes her walls, doesn’t she?