When is Pete Samson going to be made editor of Bizarre?

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Gordon Smart, the man with a finger so firmly on the pulse he is entrusted with the editorship of the nation’s most-read showbiz column, reckons Jay Z was shit at Glastonbury. Hmm. We suspect that what he’s actually complaining about is the fact that a field full of middle class white children did not know any of Z’s album tracks.

“The whole point of the big bill topper is to get your arms around your pals’ shoulders and sing along to the chorus”, whinges Smart, before going on the bemoan that “there was no spine-tingling COLDPLAY Fix You moment. Or 50,000 people singing Don’t Look Back In Anger and pointing at the sky.”

What exactly is a ‘COLDPLAY Fix You moment’? Does this man have any grasp on the English language at all? And what is good about thousands of drunk idiots shouting along to one of Oasis’ worst songs? Not much, as anyone who’s been stuck in Picadilly Gardens after an England match, will tell you.

Worse is to come as Smart stoops so low as to mention the ‘K-word’ - something we haven’t seen on this blog for some time and which actually pains us to type: Kasabian, “who”, notes our truly Scottish reporter, “raised the Pyramid roof last year”.

As if trying to make out that Kasabian are somehow better than Jay Z wasn’t bad enough, Smart then goes on to source a quote (NB he might not actually have bothered to do this) from chief ‘bian Serge Pizzorno. “Watching that was a call to arms for rock ‘n’ roll”, muses the 75-year-old, before adding, chillingly, “next year we are going to take Glastonbury”.

Apart from a second Scouting For Girls record, we cannot think of a more terrifying prospect in the future of music than that lot droning on unchecked for another two hours. Except maybe the number of times Edith Bowman would no doubt describe it as “amazing”.

But if you’re worried that Gordon is jumping the gun a bit in slamming Jay Z before checking what his peers thought, fear not, because he spoke to top music commentators before penning the review. Step forward former sports presenter-turned-cookery show blatherer Tim Lovejoy (“Who knows his tunes [and] agreed that is was poor”).

Tim Lovejoy agreed that it was poor, everyone. We can go home now. Did you hear that, Jay Z? Tim Lovejoy thought you were poor and “bland”. You should have stayed retired.

Frankly the whole thing stinks like a bunch of lager-swigging over-users of the word ‘mate’ - the sort of cunts who stink up halls of residence with their shit taste in music and even worse capacity for language (“genius”, “legend”, “fantastic”, “mate”) - throwing their toys out of the pram because, after turning up spluttering things like “Jay Z’s a legend, mate” and “the guy’s a genius mate, everyone loves him mate”, they then realised they didn’t have the first fucking clue about his music and decided to convey their poor, neutered confusion by lashing out at something even a blind bat could see was several steps shy of being on the bad side of amazing.

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