Something about "turning it up to 11"

Rock music is a funny old thing. The older it gets, the funnier it becomes.

Think about it: middle-aged men running about in catsuits and perms, throwing ridiculous poses and yodelling about “lurve” and things like that.

And that was just The Darkness!

BOOM BOOM.

No, much better now that we’ve got clean young boys like the Arctic Monkeys, in their smartcasual clothes and neat haircuts, singing songs about everyday subjects we can all relate to.

Or is it?

Not according to some. Indeed, there’s been a resurgence of late in young men picking up their guitars with the intention of performing acts rather more righteous than riffing over the top of a song about missing the bus because you got dumped.

And there’s a distinctly old-school flavour to what results. Out go clipped, staccato riffs and beats and in come HUGE BIG BASTARD GUITARS, pounding drumlines - and, if you’re very lucky - a bit of synth for good measure. Rock On!

Two such bands are JOON and Darke Horse. The former, all power, synths and melody; the latter: straight-down, hard-riffing noise. Both equally retro-rock-tastic.

And while it might appear that this resurgence we’re touting features only two bands, that’s still a hell of a lot more than the bloody New Acoustic Movement ever got, so what does that tell you? Eh? EH? What does that tell you?

The JOON factfile:

> They’ve got a singer and keyboardist but - get this - it’s the same guy
> Other bands with this ‘set-up’ include The Killers
> Although JOON don’t really sound much like The Killers
> ‘Walk Like You Don’t Care’ is brilliant
> The guitarist has impressive hair - in line with rule 271 of the rock statute book
> They REALLY know how to put on a show
> This is what they look like:

> They look a bit ill in that photo but rest assured they're healthy in real life

The Darke Horse factfile:

> They are from Sheffield
> Other bands with this ‘set-up’ include Pulp
> ‘Text Me Back’ is brilliant…
> …and in one line manages to use McFly as part of quite a lengthy simile
> They dress like a soft indie band but play like proper bastards
> ROCK HANDBAGS ALERT! Sources close to the band (ie the guitarist’s girlfriend’s cousin) tell us that they hate the Arctic Monkeys (it’s something to do with rehearsal space)
> This is what they look like:

We’ll leave it up to you to decide whether this ‘new wave of old rock’ is all it’s cracked up to be (clue: it is if you‘re in the mood) by clicking here and here. Enjoy!

The Nightmares are getting better

We’ve spent at least three weeks “getting used to” the new Arctic Monkeys album, and can now safely confirm that they have not reinvented the wheel, nor indeed their own sound.

However.

…wait for it…

HOWEVER!

There are actually some reasonably good indiepoprock songs on ‘Favourite Worst Nightmare’, nestling between the shrug-inducing filler.

Indeed, if the album had been edited thusly:

1. Balaclava
2. Mardy Bum Fluorescent Adolescent
3. Brianstorm
4. If You Were There, Beware
5. The Bad Thing
6. Only Ones Who Know
7. Old Yellow Bricks

It would have been brilliant.

It would also have been just under twenty minutes long, which is even better.

If you fancy yourself as a bit of an Arctic Monkeys fan but lack the patience to put up with most of their shit, might we suggest that you download the tracks above (legally, of course) and make your own ‘Favourite Worst Nightmare’. It shits on the real one.

Alternatively, spend the same amount of money getting their first album on CD; it’s miles better than FWN, doesn’t require editing - AND - some of the songs actually manage to get going before the last 20 seconds.

Hurrah!

Spinning Around

Groove Armada - Song 4 Mutya (Out Of Control)
Every now and again something comes along to provide reason for the continued existence of music. This is one of those things. It is, to put it mildly, FUCKING BRILLIANT.

Calvin Harris - The Girls
A not-entirely-choosy Calvin tells us about all the different types of girl he likes. “I’ve got a lot of love to give”, he says, which is presumably why the list is longer than our arm. Either that or he’s desperate. Anyway, the really important thing here is that Calvin is admitting to being a commitmentphobe - are you listening, Kylie?!!

Battles - Atlas
Anyone who likes listening to songs but not knowing what the fuck is going on could do worse than give this a try. It's also recommended if you've got a thing for elf vocals, overbearing drums and prog rock. And it isn't actually shit!

Feist - My Moon My Man
We haven’t got the foggiest who “Feist” is, but this track and the video that accompanies it are both very good. Shame she forgot to press the stop button before legging it from the studio at the end, mind.

Arctic Monkeys - Favourite Worst Nightmare (LP)
Hilarious Self Parody, more like. A 4/10 at best.

Rihanna - Umbrella
Shades of Rihanna being a pop-lite version of M.I.A. without the rapping here, on a track whose true quality is only revealed after a few listens (and a hasty ffwd past Jay-Z’s bit). Quite why she keeps refusing to actually sing remains a puzzle, but when the songs are as good as this and S.O.S., she could basically fart down the mic for all we care.

See you later

SINGLE OF THE WEEK
Arctic Monkeys - Brianstorm

Blah. Blah. Blah.