Jamie T: The Once-Through Review

Some observations on the Jamie T album, based on hearing it once:

• T clearly knows his way around a chorus.
• He’s also very good at putting bits in his songs that weren’t there before and which come therefore as huge surprises (what we’re primarily “getting at” here is the first time you hear the ‘Salvador’ chorus, and what the bassline does during the chorus of ‘So Lonely Was The Ballad’, although there are literally dozens of examples of unexpected things happening on this record)
• During the bits when Jamie sings as though his mouth is full of his own broken teeth, you want to do nothing more than knock said teeth right out and make him swallow all that spit.
• Putting audio clips at the end of the songs, to make it seem like a mixtape and stop people skipping left, right and centre, hasn’t really worked. This is because someone has made sure all the songs (especially the singles) have lovely clean intros so you can skip straight to them without it sounding stupid.
• Thanks to whoever did that.
• On the subject of the sound clips, Jamie T’s friends are a bit posh aren’t they?
• And ‘ZANY‘!!!!
• Some of the songs could have done with a bit more work doing on them, to bring them up to the level of the ones that are really amazing. FYI, T, if something is “the scrappiest version I’ve ever done”, you re-do it until it’s the best version you’ve ever done, who do you think you are, Babyshambles or something? (Mick Jones has a lot to answer for, etc. etc.).
• The drum and bass is a bit unexpected, although inevitable when you look again at the ending to ’If You Got The Money’.
• Sheila, Sheila, Sheila, Sheila.
• Very good album, Jamie T, well done. And that sound clip where you diss the cyclist; that’s very funny. Definitely worth at least a 7 on the first listen (although it sounds like one of those albums where that could rise by another couple). Hurrah! x

The Best New Rave Band

Look, a review!

Klaxons - Myths Of The Near Future

Picture the scene: The BRIT awards, 2012. Things are going very well. The winners of the Best Album Released Over A 14 Week Period As A Series Of Podcasts award have just collected their trophy and announced that they’re quitting the industry to take up busking (which by now involves little more than emailing mp3s to strangers with the subject PLEASE GIVE ME SOME MONEY). The Arctic Monkeys are preparing to play a greatest hits set marking their lifetime achievement “gong”, and you yourself are about to go onstage to collect your award for Best Female. You shift nervously in your seat as they go through the nominees. A quick check of your frock and shoes to make sure they look okay and… OH MY GOD YOU’VE GOT A COCK. How did that get there?! ‘Surely this is not anatomically correct’, you think to yourself as you look to see if your distress has been noticed. You’re not the Best Female at all. You’re not even female! Something’s gone terribly wrong!

Clearly, you’ve been incorrectly labelled throughout your entire career.

Such is Klaxons’ present situation. They’re not the Best New Rave Band, even though everyone says they are. They’re not even a New Rave band, because - get this - New Rave is a made up genre and there are no New Rave bands. So what the fuck are they then? It’s a tricky question and, judging by the sound of this debut, one that not even they themselves know the answer to. Are they indie? No (they’re quite interesting). Are they pop? No (far too much feedback). Are they dance? Yes (but not in that way). For now, it seems, Klaxons will have to settle with being the best new band that we have no bloody idea how to describe.

Usually, when a band’s sound is described as ‘indefinable’, it means that their record is a complete mess: songs veering off in twelve different directions, jazz horns coming at you from all angles, that sort of thing. There is no such problem with ‘Myths Of The Near Future’, which, for all its fantastical meanderings, is actually quite focused. Klaxons do have a distinct sound, and ultimately it is definable. It’s just so… alien.

When awarding Atlantis To Interzone our own MUCH COVETED Track Of The Year award, we said that it was a “three-minute moon buggy ride through some quite ridiculous terrain”, and much of the album follows the same ethos, except now they’ve got rockets, submarines, magic carpets and time machines as well as moon buggies, and the journey is a little longer. Klaxons make good old fashioned adventure music; music that takes you to places you’d never imagined yourself going, thinking things you’d never thought to think before. As they drag you along on their intergalactic joyride it becomes clear that the band like to pilfer two things from every magical stop they make: rhythm and melody. This record is packed full of both. This ensures that the fast n’ dirty hipshakers (‘Totem On The Timeline‘, ‘Gravity‘s Rainbow‘) never sink into being dirges of noise, just as the times when they might wanna, y’know, put some proper singing in (and there’s a lot of improper singing on this record), are never weighed down by becoming Indie Music You Can’t Dance To. Add to this mastery of the basics a penchant for the bizarre and a gleeful willingness to subvert and you’re looking at a very impressive proposition indeed.

Of the familiar singles, it is not our Track of 2006 that shines brightest here. That honour goes to the fearsome ‘Magick’, the kind of song that Zane Lowe runs into walls for, and what comes over like the sound of trying to complete a speed level on Sonic The Hedgehog while in real life your house burns down around you (particularly the last 30 seconds). It is, essentially, the last ‘proper’ song on the album and it towers, in terms of menace at least, over most of what precedes it. As for the others, ‘Gravity’s Rainbow’ and ‘Four Horsemen’ have been given shiny new overdubs, ‘…Interzone’ is still totally amazing, and even ‘Golden Skans’ sounds a lot more interesting in its new surroundings; but there at least three other songs here that you won’t be as familiar with yet but which are capable of becoming true Klaxons classics in time (‘Isle Of Her’ for starters). Even the cover of ‘Not Over Yet’ works, against all reasonable expectation.

We’re still no closer to accurately pinning down the type of music that Klaxons actually make (although we do quite like ‘Adventure Music’), and when you listen to the album you start to wonder if maybe that’s the point. Why would they want to be seen as the best new band in a given genre when they’re blatantly so good at loads of them? For now, Klaxons will have to settle for being the Best New Band, full stop.

Ten Things About Mika That We Learnt Last Week

1. Last Week, Mika went to the top of the official chart on downloads alone.

2. That is to say, downloads, and a massive wave of hype.

3. Mika has been described as looking like the lovechild (tabloid for ‘bastard’) of Jake Shears and Leo Sayer. This is interesting, because Mika is better looking than Leo Sayer to precisely the same degree to which he is uglier than Jake Shears.

4. Mika was born in Lebanon in 1983, and lived in Paris for eight years. But don’t worry, Daily Mail readers, he’s not actually foreign - he’s lived in London since he was nine.

5. Mika says that his “thing” is creating “huge-sounding pop songs”. Big round of applause for Mika and his thing, it’s about time someone did, etc. etc.

6. When Victoria Newton says that Mika “topped all the critics’ lists of who will be the name of 2007“, don’t for one second think that includes her or her list.

7. Despite his “angular face” (thank-you, Victoria), Mika is actually quite good-looking, but not as good-looking as a lot of people seem keen to make out.

8. That’s you, Paul Smith.

9. ‘Grace Kelly’ is actually rather brilliant, when you look at the evidence. Seriously, FUCK OFF now.

10. We like Mika because in his video he dances in exactly the same way as we dance in our bedroom, except he does it in front of a camera with a bloody big striplight in his hand, and loads of “supporting artists” running everywhere. This is the best thing we learnt about Mika last week.

Reasons To Dislike Preston, #375702

“I don’t like it when singles become more like an album in instalments. It’s like chopping it up for the idiots”

In summary:

• If you can’t afford, or simply don’t want to buy an artist’s “long player”, you’re an idiot.
• Singles are really just “adverts” for the actual art form here - albums - made by evil marketing men hell bent on stuffing “product” down the necks of unsuspecting “idiots”.

…AND…

• Singles are for idiots.

…THAT’S…

• Singles
• Are
• For
• Idiots.

Read that again and just try to NOT boil with rage. It’s impossible. One of the nation’s dullest men has completely missed the point yet again. We’re not going to stay angry for too long though, not over what is little more than such blatant petty jealousy - might we suggest that if Sam was actually capable of writing an album with any singles on it, he might be more enamoured towards their release? And that if this were possible, said singles might then stand a holy-fuck-in-hell’s chance of being anywhere near the chart? He wouldn’t have to bung out ones from four years ago either, come to think of it. The bloody… idiot.

Don't Turn Around Now

It seems the furore surrounding ordinary Preston’s walk-out from Never Mind The Buzzcocks refuses to die down, not least on the NME.com messageboards, where bile levels have reached their highest since… well, it doesn’t really take much to wind these people up, in fact it happens all the time, so it’s hard to say. Anyway, literally hundreds of people (five) have “logged on” to register their disgust at Preston’s behaviour, which basically involved him storming out of the recording of the show after Simon “snotty little posh boy” Amstell made some almost unbelievably innocuous comments about that wife of his.

First up to deliver a kicking is retroking, who wades in with:

“What an utter clown! If you court and marry a dumb bimbo via trash TV does he really expect to go on a show such as "..Buzzcocks" and NOT have the shit ripped out of him?”

Dumb bimbo? I’d be careful there, Mr. King, that’s just the kind of affront Preston likes to “fucking hit” people for, don’t you know! If it happens in a pub, anyway. And to be fair to him, we don’t really think Preston expects to go anywhere these days without having the shit ripped out of him. It’s become part of who he is, surely.

Next up, with a few choice words for the singer, is jimgee:

“He is a right tosser! And his band is a bag of wank, to be honest my cat has made better music than him.”

Harsh words and startling honesty there. While we’re being honest, other people to have made better music than Preston include: Russell Crowe, the Prince of Wales, our mum, and Johnny Borrell.

Failing to let spelling and punctuation get in the way of blind rage is nine black alps, who adds:

“Fucking hell, Preston, your now just a part of the counter culter you once mocked in that awesome debut album, now you have to put old songs on new records sorry (Cd's) to sell albums!! Loser!”

Well that’s him told. We particularly like the little dig about vinyl there. What’s he going to be like when all songs come on bloody memory sticks or are transported directly into our brains by miniature Edith Bowmans chanting “this is going to be just huge” over and over again, eh? Absolutely livid, probably. Anything more you’d like to say to Preston though Mr. Alps?

“Stop ripping Morrissey off cunt”

Quite.

(FYI, by “ripping Morrissey off”, we think nba is referring to Preston’s habit of talking absolute bollocks about things of which he has no basic grasp when he's asked about them in interviews.)

Finally, and speaking for all us when he says

“hes a fuckin tit that preston, a slimey sneeky little fucker and he called simon a snotty little posh boy, he is too.”

is rick13, a man big enough to at least give credit where it’s due:

“as much as i hate him tho i actually like some songs off the first album, there pretty good”

Could this be the first olive branch in this vicious war of words? Has the assault ended?

“dont get me wrong tho the rest of it is shit”

Oh.

Actually, we‘re going to leave the last word on the issue to rick13, because he’s brilliant.

“tut tut bow your head in shame preston and die!!!”

That’s right Preston; bow your head in shame - AND DIE! Tire us not with any more of your “I could’ve had him if all his mates weren’t there” rubbish; go away and live married life, buy a cat, relax. Most of all, leave the whole making-pop-songs bit to people who are actually half decent at it. That’s all we ask. Now, viewers, click ABSOLUTELY NOWHERE to have your say on this story!

Ten Things About Amy Winehouse That We Learnt Last Week

1. Amy claimed in an interview last week that she "doesn't have a drink problem" and has "given up drinking".

2. In the same interview, Amy also said that she enjoys regular cups of tea, afternoon walks in the fresh air, and riding a unicycle to church.

3. According to Radio 1, she's "the one with hair like Russell Brand but bigger".

4. Well done to Amy's publicists if that's how far they've got with her.

5. Last week, Amy released 'You Know I'm No Good', which is nowhere near as good as some of the songs on her album but is still CONSIDERABLY better than anything HMV deemed worthy of their 'new release' shelf space.

6. While we're on the subject, how is 'A Moment Like This' a new release?

7. Notice how Amy's "people" put a rap on the radio version of her new single. This is to trick children into not hating her.

8. FYI, record so-called companies, speeded-up chipmunk vocals work better these days, get with the times, etc.

9. Amy's hair is not the only thing about her that is bigger than Russell Brand. See also: eyes, waist size, talent.

10. Last week, Amy "scored" her first number one album (of many to follow), because Gary Barlow ran short of spare change and had to stop buying copies of Beautiful World for FIVE BLOODY MINUTES. This is the best thing we learnt about Amy last week.

Mystic Vic (Reprise)

More of Newton’s crystal balls…

“I have some early info on the GIRLS ALOUD and SUGABABES Comic Relief cover of AEROSMITH and RUN DMC’s Walk This Way. Brace yourself for SARAH HARDING rapping plus ad-libbing from NADINE COYLE and KEISHA BUCHANAN”.

Yeah, and in other news, fans of RAZORLIGHT who are eagerly awaiting new material are told to brace themselves for JOHNNY BORRELL singing through his nose, and drumming by a nice man called ANDY. Bloody hell, Vic.

For the love of God...

...will more people insult this man's wife? Maybe we can force a more permanent sort of "walk out".

The Blinding, etc. etc.

Now don’t get us wrong; we think Pete Doherty is as in need of a good soak and some elocution lessons just as much as any sane person over the age of 17 does, but for once we’re actually going to stand up for the poor, flee-bitten soul. Y’see, we’ve been “moved to write” by a recent, and frankly ridiculous, development in the saga of ol’ Pipey’s life.

A development whereby - and this is genius - the papers and the television have started having a go at Doherty for… being in the papers and on the television too much!!

Now, last time we checked, the guy was many things, but editor-in-chief of every media outlet in the country was not one of them, making this latest twist akin to a random stranger asking (or not) if he can write a short story about you, only to then get really pissed off when it transpires that he's made you the lead character. That’s right - these people, who have consciously and willingly hounded Doherty for the last two years of his life, have now turned on him - presumably because of all the gossiping and shit-stirring he’s PHYSICALLY FORCED them into.

The Sun - The Sun! - had the nerve to run a phone poll last week, based on the question, “Are you sick of seeing Pete Doherty stories in the newspaper?”. Fair enough, maybe some people are (us for a start), good on the paper for giving those people the chance to speak up and maybe change something. But where did the paper choose to position its question? Bingo! Right after a story about Pete Doherty! A story that, it later turned out, had been entirely fabricated by The Sun anyway. Bloody Albion!

Worse still was BBC Three’s assassination attempt, as part of ‘The Most Annoying People of 2006’, which - paradoxically - had people far more annoying than anyone on the actual list (see: Robert “fucking” Elms) babbling masses of shit towards the camera in a vain attempt to look “studied” and “aloof”. Worst offender? Dave Berry, of no fixed abode, who sat there leaking what we can only assume were words out of that shit-eating “has anyone realised yet?” grin of his, and who opined:

“Awight, oi oi, are mean fairrrw enaff [think we’ll stop that] … it’s alright for a bloke to be in the papers, but it’s not as if he’s actually done anything that deserves him being in there! I mean, his tunes are rubbish and he can’t even sing! Come back when you’ve done something worth all the attention, mate!”

(DEEP BREATH). Now Berry, who is clearly more familiar with Pete’s recent intake than he is with his early output, has made a couple of “gaffes” here. Firstly, as discussed above, it isn’t as if Pete actually goes up to newspapers begging for inclusion in them (apart from that one time with the Evening Standard and we won’t be talking about that thankyouverymuch). Despite what they might think, he doesn’t actually spend his life “in reception” at Heat magazine. Secondly, while Pete’s recent work might be - who are we kidding - bloody awful, that isn’t what got him noticed. He got to be a popstar the good old fashioned way, by being ABSOLUTELY BLOODY AMAZING, with the Legs 11 demo and the first Libertines album; with bright, witty interviews that didn’t all revolve around drugs and whether he was going to steal the interviewer's bag/assault the photographer. He was a star to many long before the likes of Berry had even heard of him, and for all the right reasons.

Finally, Dave Berry (if that’s your real name), why don’t you “come back” when your collected achievements equal more than just keeping your semi-on tucked down your trouser leg long enough to interview one of your celebrity “mates”, and being replaced on a programme by someone called Johnny Pitts? What was that? You’re back as the host of CD:UK when it relaunches on Channel Five this Spring? :(((((((

So, the moral of this story. We’re not sure there is one really, but if there was, it would probably be along the lines of, “don’t ask someone to live with you if all you’re going to do is have a strop every time they turn up at your house”. A modern-day proverb that might just help us all to be better people.

Right, that’s it, we’ve had enough of this now - we’re going out on the town with the express intention of making the first edition of EVERY SINGLE TABLOID IN THE WORLD! See what Berry thinks of that! hyg x

This Is A Chart Attack!

You heard them, just as plainly as we did: “Empires will fall!”, “Your entire perception of popular music will change!”, “JK and Joel will have something interesting to talk about!”, yet despite all the crazy promises, the new chart rules (which, in case you’ve been in a New Year coma, allow legal downloads to go into the chart without “a physical presence in the shops”) failed to throw up anything even remotely interesting. Of course, Victoria Newton will tell you that a nine-month-old song by Snow Pa-fucking-trol re-entering at number nine is interesting, but what does she know? Precisely.

Indeed, the only good things to come out of the situation were the much-welcomed reappearances of ‘Monster’, ‘Crazy’ and ‘Maneater’, and the faint hope that maybe, at some point, an absolute bollock-breaker of a song will go on a crazy word-of-mouth rampage up the chart, leaving the entrails of Blunt, Melua et al strewn EVERYWHERE and “industry bods” weeping into their “release strategies”.

OK, we did say faint hope - it’s far more likely to happen the other way around - but where would we be without sweet, faint, blind hope? Certainly not here, that‘s for sure: right here (look for the one from the Son Of Dork UK Fans).

Long live blind hope!
hyg
x

Public Announcement

Some of you may have noticed that Jojo entered the chart yesterday at number 22 with a song called ‘Too Little, Too Late’. Following this, her record company would like to state that the song's release, indeed its very existence, was in fact a mistake, brought about by an email that was recently sent from them to her writers and management. They go on to say that although Jojo will be releasing a new album soon, they’re currently “far from fucking happy about it”.

Heads will roll for this one!
x

Mystic Vic Predicts

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Further Meaningless Accolades!!!

Hey, look at us, we're just like the Brits committee, or - if you're feeling high-brow - the Mercury panel!

We like to hand out awards for things that happened ages ago.

Recording Producer Of The Year
Mark Ronson

Man Of The Year
Robbie Williams; just for releasing Rudebox, a mind-bendingly brilliant album that was sadly ignored by all but four of the “record-buying public”, and for appearing to go quite, quite mad as a result. And by the way, you IDIOTS, do you not realise that all his albums are going to be as shit as the one before Rudebox now? There probably won’t even be a Your Gay Friend on there :-(

Woman Of The Year
Winners: Nelly Furtado, Lily Allen and Amy Winehouse. This shouldn’t really need explaining but just in case you’re unaware, THESE THREE ARE THE FUCKING NUTS. Three great proper popstars and three colossal albums made 2006 a cracking year for “the fairer sex”!!!

(Ps. Why are there no men popstars as good as Amy, Lily and Nelly? Answers, including evidence to the contrary, on an internet postcard to: hipyounggunslinger@hotmail.co.uk).

Film Of The Year
Winner: Borat
Runner Up: A Scanner Darkly

Television Programme Of The Year
Winner: Star Stories
Runner Up: An Audience With Take That Live (just for the bit where the “boys” reassured Sporty Spice that she’s “still really big in Europe”).

Book Of The Year
Winner: The Best Of Smash Hits 80s
Runner Up: Those little Popjustice books.

(FYI: A book is a large thing made of stone that used to exist in the brief time prior to the Internets).

Podcast Of The Year
The Best Of Adam & Joe on Xfm

(Xfm is a large thing made of stone that plays only real music created by real artists using real instruments. It’s really alternative and is IN NO WAY COMMERCIAL WHATSOEVER).

Website Of The Year
Winner: Hip Young Gunslinger
Runner Up: Mediawatch on Football365

Writer Of The Year
Victoria Newton, for making people like us seem prolific, insightful and sober by comparison. We love you Victoria!

Sadly Deceased 2006
Smash Hits and Top Of The Pops

Massive Loser (in terms of the greatness they once possessed) of 2006
Gwen Stefani. Oh, do fuck off now.

Good or Bad 2006. Good? Or BAD?
Lil’ Chris - started off very badly in our eyes. Despite the fact it’s wrong to want to hit children, Chris Hardman evoked just that desire in us during his time on that Rock School programme. He had that stinky 15 year old “OMG Girls ALOUD have not even ever seen a proper guitar or looked at one ‘cos they r shit lol!! Listen to proper real music with drumming and EMOTION!!!!!!ONE1” vibe to him, and y’know, the face. But then - bang - ch-ch-checkin’ it out! He brings out two absolutely amazing singles and ends the year being officially good. Sadly, though, young Master Hardman’s sales appear to be as Lil’ as he is :-(

“Hot Tip” for 2007
Jamie T - this guy’s probably going to pretty amazing in 2007, but if he isn’t, we never said he would be ok. And Mark Ronson will double the number of people who have actually heard of him (taking the total to an impressive 58) when he releases his album, but will sail dangerously close to being accused of “ripping off Jo Whiley” by the sort of people who refuse to buy interesting Robbie Williams albums.

This is all absolutely true.

The Hip Young Gunslinger Albums Of The Year 2006

While you carry on recovering from the all-round amazingness of our singles of the year list, chew on this: our only-slightly-late-but-definitive-apart-from-the-one-obvious-omission, Hip Young Gunslinger Albums Of The Year 2006!

The Hip Young Gunslinger Albums Of The Year 2006

10. Nicky Wire - I Killed The Zeitgeist
9. The Strokes - First Impressions Of Earth
8. Nelly Furtado - Loose
7. Girls Aloud - The Sound Of Girls Aloud
6. Amy Winehouse - Back to Black
5. Panic! At The Disco - A Fever You Can’t Sweat Out
4. The Flaming Lips - At War With The Mystics
3. Lily Allen - Alright, Still
2. Arctic Monkeys - Whatever People Say I Am, That’s What I’m Not
1. V/A - Digital Penetration

Wow! Look at that, ten fantastically sparkly records that all got heavy rotation on hyg’s walkman phone this year (we swing it round by the handsfree when a good song comes on).

Some pointers about the list:

• Unusual for us to endorse something like Nicky Wire, but he’s in there just because anyone who hasn’t heard his album really needs to. It’s, er, it’s… yeah.

• Nelly Furtado is too low down and P!ATD too high, maybe you should swap them, but they both more than deserve their places, especially Panic!, who royally exposed Fall Out Boy for the godawful mess they truly are.

• Re: Girls Aloud: Sound Of The Underground, No Good Advice, The Show, Love Machine, Something Kinda Ooh, Biology. Proving once and for all that Girls Aloud have released far more good singles than Razorlight have.

• The Flaming Lips album is not their best but it is still bloody good.

• In a year (well, the first three months of it) so dominated by their arrival - “Fastest selling debut ever!!!!”, “Victory for real music!!!!” Etc. - only churlishness would prevent us from handing Arctic Monkeys the award for album of the year for Whatever People Say I Am, That’s What I’m Not.

• That, and the fact that Digital Penetration shits on it.
  
  

PS. The Robbie Williams album has been left off this list as a statement about people not buying it, and not - NOT - because we forgot all about it. Just call it number zero. Yay! x